Skip to main content

What does it feel like to want to leave but not be able to?

 　　Today, I published an article categorized as an emotional diary, titled "Simplicity is Also a Kind of Happiness." A fellow blogger commented in the comments section: "You still need to go to work! Otherwise, Anran will only be a burden to others."

　　This blogger knows a little about my situation, but regardless, his comment still surprised me a bit. I wanted to write this article because it resonated with that comment. Secondly, I don't want to offer too many reasons to excuse myself or my laziness; I simply want to talk about the feeling of wanting to leave but being unable to.

　　I know that as a contemporary young person, one should have their own life goals and strive bravely for them. The main reason I enjoy watching the TV series "Meteor Shower" and "Meteor Shower Again" is primarily because of the strong, resilient, and self-reliant character of the female protagonist.

　　I also understand that if someone lives in Anran for too long, they will become isolated from the world; if someone cannot learn self-reliance, they will not be able to do anything well. This is the reality of society, a dog-eat-dog world where the strong survive and the weak are eliminated. I refuse to be a parasite, a weakling.

　　Several times during checkups for my old illness, my doctor asked if I had a job, believing I should. I agree; having a job is like going to school—it enriches our lives and broadens our horizons.

　　Today, I went with a friend to the village clinic to visit another friend receiving IV fluids. Because of his frequent fieldwork, he had a high fever, which struck a chord with me. You might want to work, but if your body can't handle the pressure, it's futile. Or perhaps it's because I have too many concerns, unlike my younger sister who, in her teens, asked me for a travel briefcase and, without hesitation, went to a big city alone. I lack her decisiveness and can't leave yet.

　　For me, generally, without thorough preparation and real confidence, I won't do anything. For example, if I don't have enough money, I won't buy the items I like. I admit I'm not a bold person; on the contrary, because I was born in the Year of the Rat, I'm quite cautious when doing certain things, especially when setting off for a destination.

　　I don't know how others feel when they're at a loss for what to do, and I don't dare to speculate or interfere in other people's lives, because I feel that unless you're involved, you may never truly understand their feelings. I've tried to persuade my family, but they still disagree and insist on waiting until I'm fully recovered before letting me leave. Does

　　anyone know what it feels like to want to leave but not be able to? For me, if you can't look at the problem from a different perspective, your heart will be in great turmoil. Only by letting go of some heavy burdens can your heart feel lighter. You can't change your current life, but you can learn to change your mindset. Sometimes, when one path is blocked, we can take another. If we get tired, we can rest. I think that's fine too! Why make things difficult for yourself? That's exactly what I was thinking when I wrote my previous article titled "Simplicity is Also a Kind of Happiness."

　　Wanting to leave but unable to—what does that feel like? Those who haven't experienced it can't understand. If one path is blocked, the only option is to find a detour, or perhaps taking a step back will open up a whole new world. I admit, I want to leave, and that's why I prepared my travel luggage in advance. But I can't disregard my family's feelings and just walk away like that. I love my family, and my family loves me; I can't hurt their feelings. This is the root of my conflict. Ask yourself, if you were me, would you want to hurt the hearts of your loved ones? If I could disregard my physical condition and my family's feelings, and just go to a strange city alone to find work, and then, with hard work, achieve what I want and fulfill my life goals, then I think I would definitely do it. But reality tells me I can't. So, for now, I can only stay home and recuperate. Thinking about this, I smiled bitterly. Sometimes I really don't want to pretend to be strong.

　　I don't know how others see me. I just want to live each day well, find peace within myself, not overthink, not get too agitated, and reduce the frequency of my old ailment flare-ups. I'm content now. Perhaps, the reduced frequency or complete cessation of my ailment will make it easier for me to travel far away and find a suitable job.

　　Wanting to leave, yet unable to leave, unable to change my current situation with my current strength, the only way is to change my attitude, improve my abilities, and endure what others cannot, in order to have a chance to gain more. I just want to warm my heart with my gentle smile and bring sunshine to myself and my family. Do you understand this feeling?

　　...

　　(The End)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

There's a kind of meeting that feels like a long-awaited encounter.

     When     I first arrived in this city, the weather was a hazy, grayish white. It was already the height of summer, and there was a humid, stifling heat.     At the subway exit, I saw Mo Xiaobei struggling to find me in the crowd. She took my suitcase, then pretended to be incredibly strong, smiling happily at me and revealing her cute little tiger teeth. I followed Mo Xiaobei through several subway stops until we finally arrived at her rented room. The moment I opened the door, it felt like I had entered a disaster zone. Just as I had imagined, her room was a mess. Several pairs of shoes were scattered haphazardly on the floor, and bottles and jars were strewn about on the table, along with leftover food that had been moldy for days. I turned to look at Mo Xiaobei, who scratched her head sheepishly. "I haven't cleaned the house these past few days. Since you're here, could you help me tidy up?" I knew she was always like this, so I shook my head h...
Post a Comment
Read more

Five-degree slanted characters (Part 2)

  　　Chi Zhoumu played three games of League of Legends in a row. Whenever he encountered a problem he couldn't figure out, he had to shift his focus to prevent himself from being trapped by his chaotic thoughts. After the three games, Chi Zhoumu stared at the computer for a long time, lost in thought. "No, I have to go out for a walk and relax," Chi Zhoumu thought to himself. 　　 　　When Chi Zhoumu went out, it was already past eight o'clock in the evening. The streetlights emitted a quiet, dim yellow light, and only a few people were running on the playground. The moonlight was faint, casting overlapping shadows, and the road was deserted. He went to the pavilion, sat down on a bench, and lazily admired the reflection of the library lights on the lake. Two or three couples were scattered on the small island in the lake. "It's hard to find such peace and harmony in the bustling city," he thought. 　　 　　After sitting for about twenty minutes, just as he was ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Looking up at the starry sky

     The night is deep, and I can't fall asleep alone. I open the window and see the twinkling stars, but are you the brightest one?     I remember the first time I saw you was in my final year of junior high. I stood nervously behind you, watching my classmates register one by one, and my name was left unassigned. Yes. I was timid and cowardly, and because I didn't have the money for tuition, I didn't dare to speak to you. I just stood there, standing there.     Later, you noticed me, smiled slightly, and asked, "Have you registered?" I shook my head. You asked again, "Are you having trouble?" I nodded. "Come with me!" When I took out my blankets from a corner of the school, I saw tears in your eyes; and I couldn't hold back anymore and burst into tears. You took the blankets, took my hand, and walked towards the dormitory building.     I've always thought of myself as a stubborn child, someone no one could melt the thick ice in my hea...
Post a Comment
Read more