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What does it feel like to want to leave but not be able to?

 　　Today, I published an article categorized as an emotional diary, titled "Simplicity is Also a Kind of Happiness." A fellow blogger commented in the comments section: "You still need to go to work! Otherwise, Anran will only be a burden to others."

　　This blogger knows a little about my situation, but regardless, his comment still surprised me a bit. I wanted to write this article because it resonated with that comment. Secondly, I don't want to offer too many reasons to excuse myself or my laziness; I simply want to talk about the feeling of wanting to leave but being unable to.

　　I know that as a contemporary young person, one should have their own life goals and strive bravely for them. The main reason I enjoy watching the TV series "Meteor Shower" and "Meteor Shower Again" is primarily because of the strong, resilient, and self-reliant character of the female protagonist.

　　I also understand that if someone lives in Anran for too long, they will become isolated from the world; if someone cannot learn self-reliance, they will not be able to do anything well. This is the reality of society, a dog-eat-dog world where the strong survive and the weak are eliminated. I refuse to be a parasite, a weakling.

　　Several times during checkups for my old illness, my doctor asked if I had a job, believing I should. I agree; having a job is like going to school—it enriches our lives and broadens our horizons.

　　Today, I went with a friend to the village clinic to visit another friend receiving IV fluids. Because of his frequent fieldwork, he had a high fever, which struck a chord with me. You might want to work, but if your body can't handle the pressure, it's futile. Or perhaps it's because I have too many concerns, unlike my younger sister who, in her teens, asked me for a travel briefcase and, without hesitation, went to a big city alone. I lack her decisiveness and can't leave yet.

　　For me, generally, without thorough preparation and real confidence, I won't do anything. For example, if I don't have enough money, I won't buy the items I like. I admit I'm not a bold person; on the contrary, because I was born in the Year of the Rat, I'm quite cautious when doing certain things, especially when setting off for a destination.

　　I don't know how others feel when they're at a loss for what to do, and I don't dare to speculate or interfere in other people's lives, because I feel that unless you're involved, you may never truly understand their feelings. I've tried to persuade my family, but they still disagree and insist on waiting until I'm fully recovered before letting me leave. Does

　　anyone know what it feels like to want to leave but not be able to? For me, if you can't look at the problem from a different perspective, your heart will be in great turmoil. Only by letting go of some heavy burdens can your heart feel lighter. You can't change your current life, but you can learn to change your mindset. Sometimes, when one path is blocked, we can take another. If we get tired, we can rest. I think that's fine too! Why make things difficult for yourself? That's exactly what I was thinking when I wrote my previous article titled "Simplicity is Also a Kind of Happiness."

　　Wanting to leave but unable to—what does that feel like? Those who haven't experienced it can't understand. If one path is blocked, the only option is to find a detour, or perhaps taking a step back will open up a whole new world. I admit, I want to leave, and that's why I prepared my travel luggage in advance. But I can't disregard my family's feelings and just walk away like that. I love my family, and my family loves me; I can't hurt their feelings. This is the root of my conflict. Ask yourself, if you were me, would you want to hurt the hearts of your loved ones? If I could disregard my physical condition and my family's feelings, and just go to a strange city alone to find work, and then, with hard work, achieve what I want and fulfill my life goals, then I think I would definitely do it. But reality tells me I can't. So, for now, I can only stay home and recuperate. Thinking about this, I smiled bitterly. Sometimes I really don't want to pretend to be strong.

　　I don't know how others see me. I just want to live each day well, find peace within myself, not overthink, not get too agitated, and reduce the frequency of my old ailment flare-ups. I'm content now. Perhaps, the reduced frequency or complete cessation of my ailment will make it easier for me to travel far away and find a suitable job.

　　Wanting to leave, yet unable to leave, unable to change my current situation with my current strength, the only way is to change my attitude, improve my abilities, and endure what others cannot, in order to have a chance to gain more. I just want to warm my heart with my gentle smile and bring sunshine to myself and my family. Do you understand this feeling?

　　...

　　(The End)

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